Hm. Just read a blog post by a Christian artist and the expansive list of responses that followed. I have to admit I admire his courage in putting his thoughts out there as regularly as he obviously does, a well as with his commitment to stay engaged with those who respond. Of course, the next thought to jackrabbit through my mind was "Why don't I do something like that?"
In spite of the fact that I've been told by numerous people - people that I trust and admire, even - that I have good thoughts and should find a way to share them, the answer to the question above goes off like fireworks - sparks flying in all directions, each with plenty of material to easily carry a self-absorbed blog post all by itself. Too busy. Tired. Apathetic. Unsure. Scared. Lazy. You name it. I know enough about my own nature to know that I tend to invalidate myself too quickly, and the fear of coming across as arrogant is strong enough to incline me to keep my thoughts to myself many times (the fear of coming across as wrong picks up a lot of what's left over - that and a deep dislike of being ridiculed). In all honesty, if it weren't for the fact that I believe that the number of people that will actually find this post can be counted on one hand, I likely wouldn't be typing it.
Yet here I am...
Does that mean that I secretly think I have some wisdom of worth to offer, or perhaps that I just want to believe that I do? Am I self-centered for typing out my thoughts, thereby tacitly attaching worth to them when I have no discernible objective reason to do so? If I were conveying something funny, I would be able to attach worth to that, because I believe in the value of sharing laughter, and that's a value that I perceive as existing outside of myself. But describing my own struggles, or my own beliefs, or observations - those are more personal. Those are much more about me, rather than just being about something outside of me that's funny. If I really started opening up about some of the things I think, some of the things that tick me off - I don't know. Let me put it the way it occurred to me earlier today: "It seems to me that there are more and more assholes in the world these days, and sometimes I'm afraid I'm one of them." But I do have beliefs that I'm passionate about - or at least beliefs that I hold passionately to - even some of the ones I have doubts about, oddly.
My point? Sometimes I cuss, though I believe I shouldn't. I claim faith, though I often doubt. What kind of a witness is that? Sometimes I can be bitingly sarcastic, even derogatory, in my thoughts. Not good things to have running through my head. I can be angry, resentful, prideful, lustful, selfish, petty... In a nutshell, I firmly believe I should be a better person than I am, and as a result I am reluctant to share the front row seat to my failings with the rest of the world, because I think I'd like to have a few friends left at the end of the day, thanks, and I'm sure none of them struggle with those things, right?
So if you happen to be one of the four or five people that accidentally find this post, and then happen to be one of the maybe two that are bored enough to have read this far, sound off if you have any thoughts on the topic. I'd be interested in hearing them...
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